5 years ago today

Was the day you where supposed to be born, the day you where supposed to come out and meet the world,. But you had other plans, you and God wanted to make your special day on July 8th, your daddy's birthday. You and god had plans for you and your daddy to share the special July 8th day. 


I remember when I saw two lines on the pregnancy test, and I couldn't believe it. My arms were shaking, and I took another test. I remember wondering if you'd stick around, almost every day of my pregnancy.
I remember the first time I knew it was you kicking inside me. I remember stressing about how you would come into the world, even though I kept telling myself not to. I remember the blessing your daddy gave me before you were born, and feeling relief. I remember our last fourth of July as just 2 people, and now its almost fourth of July, and we are a family of 3. This year you are getting into the whole holiday thing. Its such an amazing thing to see life thru your eyes. To see 
your smile when you discover new things. 


Its hard to believe still almost Five years later, that we won our battle once with infertily. That you are ours, and will forever brighten our lifes, that we will always and forever love you. 

My dad posted this on his facebook. After Yesterday, was another snap day. He thinks that its all ok, and the life will go on. I dont get it. Its not ok, life needs to change. He needs to see what a monster he has created.

My life is Simple.

At least from where I see it. Every day I Wake Up And Breathe Air. (God willing.)
All I do, is what I believe is the right thing to do at the time.
Sometimes it works out in a good way for everyone involved, sometimes it doesn't.
For the times it does, it brings me great joy and happiness.
For the times it doesn't, I hope that those I care for deeply, will understand.
Sometimes they do, sometimes they don't.
When they do, I am grateful.
When they don't, It may be that they didn't understand both sides of the situation.
Hopefully, someday, somewhere, somehow, they will.
Each day, I strive to be a better human being than the day before.
I am thankful for everything that everyone has done to make to make this a better planet.
I try to do what I can as well, because it gives me a good feeling in my heart.
I go to sleep at night with the ambition of doing it all again tomorrow.

I wish that I could tell my dad, everything that I feel. Everything that is bothering me. But im still that little kid that is affraid of there dad. Im not sure if it was a good idea, to let him on my facebook. Hes my friend now, and whatever i post he will see, But you know what its my life I have the right to say what i want, but at the same time I want to confront him about the abuse, and how I grew up. I want him to get the help that he needs, and I know he wont. I hope that if he knew how bad it was maybe then he would get some help. Im not sure what to think anymore?

Lil'  G will be Five in July. Tonight she wrote daddy's name out all nine letters, I told her to do something, and when I went and checked on her. She has wrote daddy's real name. I was in shock since its so long, and I have only taught her his name a few times. Wow shes so smart.

This weekend we are going camping. I can not wait. It should be fun, and even better. Julie and I talked today about a little of what has been going on. It was more of me going to her house saying im sorry, hugging her and figuring it all out. I have posted a few things on facebook, she seen them, got mad at me, blogged about it all. And I tried to save what was left of our friendship. Im really hoping that they come camping with us this weekend, and that its like it was the first 2 years, and not like how it has been the last 3 years. We shall see if shes all talk, or if today helped some.

WOW Lil' g will be five and start kindergarden I need/want my baby back.

Where do I start. .

Where to start? its been a couple amazing months, some good and some bad.

Seen my tire friend today. He is this guy that would love to be with me, Im not into him at all in that way. But If I would give him one day he would be so happy. Hes been trying to hook up with me since way before hubby. I used to be just friends with him, until he became way to scary. Some how he found out where I worked, and came into my work all the time. Then I stopped working there met hubby, and went to get a tire, and wow he owns the cheap cool tire place. I was like great just what I need. He found out that I was married and still tried. But you know I do truly love hubby. Im faithful to my husband, before my hubby I was a crazy fool. I fooled around way to much, and may have never been faithful to anyone, but not hubby. There is something different about him. :) Back to the tire guy. ( he does have a name ) He asked me if I was still married, since I went and seen him alone. Hubby was at work, just took Lil G to school.  I could have said im unhappy and maybe seen if the grass is greener n the other side. But i guess you get used to just being loved. But I miss other things, I miss dinner dates, walks holding hands, and stuff that hubby just does not do. But I know that he loves me, and Im not sure that the tire guy could or would ever love my like hubby does. Im OK with his drinking maybe im just used to it. Hubby's drinking has became a part of our life, our daily life. Its something im used to, and it would be weird to not have it around, if that makes sense. you get used to things. I mean after 12 1/2 years together I guess im used to it. . . . I may not deserve it but im scared to test the water, scared to see if the grass is really greener on the other side. Im comfortable here.

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~ ~ ~ Jan ~ ~ ~
 WE went on anther field trip with Lil G's preschool class. This time around it was to the Portland Childerns Museum, boy was that a fun filled day. Unlike the last field trip, I got to have Lil G all to my self. The last one was to the pumpkin patch, and I had 2 other kids to take care of. I enjoyed having Lil G all to my self, and being able to have our time.  we had a fun filled day, played did art school, ate lunch with the morning and afternoon class. Lil G's cousin who is a month and 2 days older is in the morning class, so they where able to eat lunch with us, and sometimes play to. It was nice hanging with my sister.

Lil G playing in the water at the Childerns Museum. 

Osmi
We had family night at OSMI took Lil G to OSMi what a fun place as well. Daddy and Lil G had fun playing together. He got into it all like her, it was like watching to four year olds playing. Lil G got to see that the drs really did cut her out of my tummy ( I had a C section with Lil G ) While daddy got to see what all happened, and what he missed out on. He wanted my mom to go into the room with me, while I wanted him. I wish that he would have been there to. Since its something that wont be happening again.Lil G  is and will be an only child. Not by choice, well by medical choice. Its the right thing to do for now. Since the night she was born I came so close to dieing ( another time on that one ) Both Lil G and hubby got to see how the baby grows and grows in the womb, then how they do a C section. really cool stuff.

Lil G and daddy playing at OSMI

~ ~ ~ FEB ~ ~ ~

Valentines day
I got to spend the day at school with Lil G It was so much fun, and joy to watch her day in preschool. It was so cool and a blessing to watch her learn, to play and see her with her little friends. We had a small party at school for Valentines day, ate lunch, played, walked to the park, played some more, It was amazing to see her in action, to see her in her little preschool world. Shes growing up so fast. Knows her abcs, can count to100, Shes starting to read a little here and there and so much more.

Maddie, Stacy and Lil G At school just came in from the park :)

~ ~ ~ March ~ ~ ~

Lil G had her first Spring break about drove mommy nuts, she loves school and her friends. We had a few sleep overs with her friends, and her BFF. Its so cute she has her first BFF Stacey, they kind of look like they could be twins. Lil G  has brown hair, and Stacy has black hair. Its funny my sister was here when Stacy has here, and my sister thought that Stacey was Lil G from the back. Whoops

Lil G and her BFF

Lil G and her BFF 

Lil G and her Cousin sleeping SHHH 

~ ~ ~ April ~ ~ ~

April fools day I got mommy time. WOW that was so fun, I went and spent the day with an old friend from school . We went shopping took Lil G to school, then had some yummy lunch, followed by more shopping. I miss having mommy time, I miss hanging with friends. Something I need to work on doing more. I  just get so busy with life and everything. you really need to stop and take time out for you.


here are two of My favorite pictures of Lil G:

~ ~ ~ May ~ ~ ~
 Lil G will be having her first Tea party in May, Its going to be a blast. I cant wait to get all the stuff for it, and have the party. Its going to be a ton of fun. With her friends, cousins, and little girls all dressed as princess's im hoping that the weather holds up and it stays nice outside.


So May we have our Memorial day weekend camping trip. I think this year will just be us. I doubt the Diaz family will be coming. I think thats just a thing of the past. Since hubby drinks, and some people dont like it. Im sorry buts its our life. It will be a nice little camping trip 4 days at the beach. I scored a really nice site this time around to.

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Something I hope to never have to post myself as a mom of a princess. But another mom had to.

Maddie loves big bows. She always wore them. We would be honored if on Wednesday 2/Maddie 23/11, in remembrance of Maddie, you would put a big bow on your daughters. We would also love to get pictures. kellieshsu06@yahoo.com Thanks so much!. . . This story just made me bawl like crazy and I can't imagine what they are going through but I know it's hard..http://kandjstaats.blogspot.com/


here is a link to her blog.
http://kandjstaats.blogspot.com/

PLEASE for Maddie today wear the biggest bow you can. Lets remember this little girl, that was called to heaven after only 4 short months on earth.

Oh julie

Why claim to be my friend, but then talk crap about me and my family behind my back. Why sit there and act as if we are friends, but deep down we are not. What the heck, Im so sick of you and how you talk shit about my husband on your stuff. I know thats who you are talking about. I dont care anymore. Im glade that this summer we will be camping alone with out you. It used to be fun for the first few times. Then the beer became an issue, and you would never talk to me about it like friends do. Now that your working you think that you are better. Ok whatever. Im done feeling like a piece of shit. Im done trying to be your friend, and be nice to you. Im done trying to make something work thats not there. I feel as if we just need to close the door, and look the other way. Call our looses and be cool with it all. My daughter once looked up to you as an aunt, and now. She cant, And i wont let you hurt her. you just cant come and go when ever its cool for you.

feild trip time

Last Tuesday Lil'G  went on another field trip with preschool. I went with her and we had a blast. We went to the childerns museum.

Tonight shes going to OSMI, her preschool is doing a family field trip thing today. pretty cool.

Thursday Carrie came up and took me out to dinner. We had a wonderful time. Along with a really hot waiter. which gave me his #. It made me feel nice and good that another man likes me. It was done for a big tip or something come on now, i was not born yesterday. Then we drove around and got lost, came back home. Hubby, Carrie and i stayed up all nigh drinking, and playing cards while Lil'G slept. Carrie ended up going back home Thursday night/ Friday morning. Only to come back to my house on Friday.

Friday night was Harmoni's 4th birthday party. KC, ( Carries Sister ), Carrie and I stayed up all night talking and chilling while the men sat out side in kc hubby's car drinking and watching tv in the car. Somethings that men do WOW. Harmoni, and Lil'G tried to have a sleep over. But come on now really 2 four  year olds not play in bed and play. So that did not go to well. Carrie and us came back home to our house after getting some late night food. we ended up playing cards and drinking some more. What a fun life its been the last few nights. Friday night Carrie stayed the night with us. Thank heaven because it was late.

So Saturday we ended up all going down to carries house. Which is about an hour south of our home. We ended up staying the night with her and coming back Sunday. Hubby had yet another soccer came, so we left from carries to the game. Then home. What a fun few days its been.

So Tuesday we are leaving again for a few days. We will be going and staying with Carrie. It will be fun. We are going to let Lil'G, miss 1 day of school. But she  will have fun. shes going to do some fun things with Carrie, mommy, daddy. We will be gone for about 4 days. Oh how nice it will to get away again.



Poor Lil'G shes been sleeping thru all the fun.

How can I. . .

Trust you?
you have never been there for me, and you wonder why we have the relationship we do. you say that I make you feel that way. your the mom here not me. You say that i make you feel that we dont talk enough, its a two way street.

Jan 8th.

Today would have been my grandmas birthday. She was called away to heaven on May 13th 2006. I watched her take her last breath, im thankful that she knew all about Lil'G and her arrival the following July. She knew that I was finally Pregnant, im blessed to say that before my grandmas passed away she knew i finally was going to be a mom, and that she seen the ultrasound pictures of Lil'G.

Today is also Lil'G's half birthday. Shes half a year older, shes officially 4 1/2 today. So Lil'G and I are making a cake, and we will frost and decorate it later tonight. Then eat our cake. Lil'G wont have a party, or anything like that today, just a cake. Maybe next year, when shes older and can understand it more then we will do half party thing.

Its been awhile, and well Ive got to get things off my chest.

You have not talked to your own daughter in a week, and all you can offer her is a whole 9 minutes, WOW how that just blows my mind. What a great mom I have, all she could spare me was a whole 9 minutes today on the phone. I dont know why I even try anymore with her. Oh and get this she thinks that she can just buy something, use for however long that she wants/needs to, and then return it back to the store for a full refund. No wonder why my mom and I dont agree, or get along.

The lovely husband has spent all our bill money, and now im stuck to figuring out how we are going to make it. Im so stressed, i dont think i have been this stressed ever. Why am I the only one that can figure things out? WE barely got jan's rent paid, and have nothing for the bills, and feb. rent. No clue when and if he will be going back to work. Hello sweetheart you have been laid off since Dec. dont you think you need to figure the bills out. nope leave it to me once again. Why oh why do I stay around.  And to add to it all, the dumb ass, did not even have any money to get Lil'G anything for Christmas. I got all her Christmas done, and just like I do every year, chirstmas, birthdays, Easter, all of it. I just want to wake up one day and have the husband take care of Lil'G and I 100%. I wonder if it will ever happen. He has to stop letting his drinking take over our money. I have not worked in 3 years, and i still have to help him with the bills, and he brings home enough money to make it. So I have told him enough is enough, Come march 1st i wont be helping him anymore, and well we shall see what happens with that one. I chose March 1st, because by then he should be back to work. Im hoping and praying hes back to work by the end of this month.

Im so tired of struggling, and living like we are dead poor. He brings home enough money to take care of Lil'G and I. He just has to learn that buying beer can only happen, after the bills are paid, and not before.

Got to love Mondays right? WRONG

I was running late to start with. I hate Mondays, and hate having busy ones after such a long break. I was in the shower, when she lost the hamster. Then i was doing her hair, and she told me she was playing hide and seek with the hamster. I was like just peachy. Had hubby tear her room apart and found the hamster. Just to rush to her dentist appt. and it was only 15 min. long. I was like really are you freaking kidding me a whole 15 minutes. Well she has no cavities and all is well. Now to get this headache to go away, and take her to preschool soon.


 now time for hubby to take the starter out of my car and put the old back in. Since the new one is not working. Oh how  much I love my life right now. Xmas eve the starter went out on my car, and my dad bought us a new one. Thank you daddy for saving my car. Then its taken hubby a week to get the old one out. Its really old, and the bolts had to of been glued to the car. It was crammed space to. SO he  finally just starts taking stuff apart on the car, just to get to the starter, and gets the new one in, only to find out the new one is not new at all. And its been in the high 20's and low 30's here, poor hubby has to be sick of my car by now. 

So the other night Lil' G had to put all her baby's to bed, She got a bunk-bed, and a bassinet for her dolls from Santa. So Christmas night we had to tuck all the baby's into beds. Heres a picture of all the baby's in there new beds.  i should have got one of Lil'G in her bed, next to the baby's to. I will have to post one of that next.

Good bye and hello

Good bye to 2010, the fat me, ttc for a second baby, and the rough life. Hello to a new me, no more ttc, and a better marriage, and life. 2011 is going to be a much better year for the 3 of us.

Im going to look into signing Lil'G up for Daisy, ( Girl scouts) I think that she would love it, and then she can make more friends. Oh we are going to have a great life together little girl.

WOW

I got deleted, and blocked off Facebook. By an old friend well an old Ex boy friend. See my really good Friend Carlena. Which i have known since middle school. has been dating my ex boyfriend David for about 12 years. I can care less, he was just a thing back when i was young. I know that he still loves and cares about me. Hes told me before, and well im over him. So anyways, yesterday on Facebook he posted something and I replied to it. Well Carlena's, brother did not like it and got his panties all in a bunch. I have not talked to Carlena in almost a month, all of a sudden yesterday she calls me. Which I find funny, knowing that she called about her brother, getting his panties in a bunch. So tonight im on my store Facebook, and David pops up, and chats, says hes sorry about Carlena brother and what not. SO I went to back onto my personal account which he was on both, so that I could finish uploading pictures, and I got to chat with him. Guess what hes blocked, and deleted me. Oh man, thats just the funniest thing i have heard or seen in awhile. So i get blocked, and deleted for speaking my mind. WOW. And before that when i was on my store account. he was all nice and cool. What a pussy $%^, dont have the balls to say it o my face, gee I think thats one reason why hes my EX. I never really cared for him, but oh well. Im so over it. I just think that you would love a laugh here on Christmas night.

BTW Lil'G had a wonderful chirstmas. More about that and some pictures tomorrow.

And heres a link to my store. www.facebook.com./genevievesplace2006 i make and sell clothing, hair bows, and much much more.

Chirstmas Eve.

First off Merry chirstmas to each and everyone of you. My chirstmas Eve is getting a really bad start. The starter to my car died, and hubby's been laid off. Im not sure what we are going to do. Nothing is going right. Lil'G went to cook her mac and cheese, and cooked it for 30 minutes in the microwave, and not 3 minutes. After 10 minutes i was like gee why is the microwave still going. Then I made a salad to take to my moms for dinner, and Lil' G deiced that she dont want to eat a bite, and spit it back out at me. Oh man its been a roller coaster of a ride kind of day.

My sister came and got Lil'G and I, and took us to my mom and dads for Christmas at there house. Then my dad brought us all home. Hubby was out fishing with Carlos, and he had Carlos give him a ride to my moms house. It was nice to have all my family there. Then my dad brought us home, and now hubby and my dad are getting a part to hopefully fix my car. Lets home and pray. Man i dont know what i would do without my car. Its like a piece of me.

Santas coming tonight, and boy oh boy Lil' G is in for it. she has no idea that Santa went over board for her. But you know after 7 long years of infertitly treatments, shes worth each and every dime we spend on her.

Lil'G's first christmas and now

Chirstmas 2006 Lil' G was only 6 months old, and here she was:

 Lil' G at the age  4 1/2 years. 

This is what it looked like when Santa came. I guess being an only child has a good pay off, shes always getting a ton of gifts. 

Its amazing how much she has grown in the last 4 years. 

Christmas party with carrie

Carrie is my Best Friend, even though sometimes I cant and wont agree with her actions. But hey thats why we love each other.

so yesterday Carrie had a chirstmas party with her kids, and all the other foster kids. Long story, about her and her kids in foster care. So she asked if I would mind filling in as her husband. Since hes in jail right now, and she was worried about taking on all 3 kids alone at this party. So I went and so did Lil'G. Lil'G and the kids had a nice time. There where so many little baby's there, which all where in foster Care. It just broke my heart, that people let things happen, and they loose there kids. one lady had like 7-8 kids, and has her kids in different homes. It just broke my heart. Im so blessed to have Lil'G in my life, and I would never allow anything to happen to her, to be in the shoes that Carries kids are in. It bothers me, and hurts to see  Carrie having to go thru this. It was a nice little party. With tons of crafts for the kids, and the kids all got gifts from Santa, and seen Santa.

Lil'G got a ZuZu pet. And well it has a warning sticker on the bottom, about not getting it close to hair. Well last night we get home, and she got it stuck in her hair. Oh man was I freaking out. I thought that i was going to have to cut her hair, but daddy came to the rescue and got it taken apart, and we got the ZuZu pet out of Lil'G's hair. and the Zuzu pet is back in one peice again.

my birthday came and gone. I got really sick for about 2 weeks. hubby made me dinner the night of my birthday, then the following day, and the 3rd day. He helped me cook dinner for a small birthday dinner for me, and a few close freinds. It was really nice birthday. The day of my birthday we took Lil'G to school, and then hubby went and got me a bath set. Oh how it smells so yummy and I love it. Then when we went and got Lil'G from school, she had to tell all her friends that it was mommy's birthday, and we are having a party. I had to break the news to the 4 year olds that they would not like my party. As it was just dinner, and nothing more. But its something that adults do. Shoot when you are old its what you do. Then a few days later hubby, Lil'G, and I went and looked at Chirstmas lights. Since my birthday is 15 days before Chirstmas, its kind of been a thing long before Lil'G came along. We had a really nice time.

Lil'G has seen Santa twice this week, and been to Two chirstmas party's. Shes really loving this chirstmas/Santa thing.

We last weekend baked some cookies, to pass out to family and friends, it was so neat to bake with her. Then after a batch, Lil'G went and played legos with daddy. Oh its so cute to watch them together.

Its been nice and bad having hubby home. I think sometimes he forgets that the world does not stop because hes laid off. He thinks that he gets to sleep in all day or what not, but then he has them days that he makes up for it all, and cooks for me, and takes care of Lil'G and I.

With no income coming in the drinking has been much better. Well no money to buy the beer, so he cant drink as much. and oh boy does he get bored easily.

Right now Lil'G and daddy are watching Mulain together. Oh its so cute, im going to leave it as it for now. And get back to baking cookies some more.

Have you ever wanted something so bad, and just cant have it.

Well thats what hubby and I have been dealing with, or feeling. We have been trying off and on for four years now to give Lil'G a sibling and no such luck.Just another let down after another. Yesterday, i went and seen yet another Dr. I have lost count on how many i have seen in the 11 years of trying to complete my family. 7 years is what the magic number was for Lil'G, and now we are on 4 + and still no luck. Its really getting old to hear, sorry I cant help you, i dont know how to fix your body. Gee why are you a doctor? I hate having PCOS, I have never in all my life been normal. I have always had to take hormone replacements month after month, just to have a period. and well its really amazing that I cant find a doctor that knows why my body is so screwed up. Im so tired of hearing the words of loose some weight you will be normal then. Sorry Doctor(s) I have lost it, and still nothing. I was 16 when i had to start taking Provera  ( aka Progerston ) just to have a period, since i never got one on my own. After giving birth to Lil'G I really thought an prayed that I would have a period on my own. Nope never happened. I have to take hormones month after month just to have a period. When i was little it was so cool. I thought, boy was I wrong. I did not have to worry about the monthly visit if I did not want it. and well being a teen and in my early 20's I did not want it. But once it became time to start my family, it made things so much harder and worse. Now i have tilted uterus and the Ultrasound tech cant find my ovaries. As of yesterday. Gee what else needs to go wrong. So yet, im off to see another Dr, another let down to come soon.

Dont get me wrong im so blessed, and so thankful for Lil'G. But I really want my dream of my completed family to come true. I really want four kids, but one more will be just fine. Since Its such a hard and long war to fight. Im getting older and so is Lil'G shoot shes almost 4 1/2.

I hoping that someone reading this can help me, someone that says hey thats me, and this is what works or does not work.

November came and gone. December is here, and so is our Christmas tree. Our Christmas tree smells and looks so pretty. Hubby even did the lights outside. Lil' G had to help daddy do the lights outside and the tree.

Lil' G and daddy getting the tree all ready.

Friday night we went to a birthday party for a close friends little boy. It was nice to go as a family. Hubby even had a nice time. Lil' G had a blast, shes getting partied out already. Had another birthday party today. Curtis one of the kids in her class really likes Lil' G but who would not. Oh man, they had a blast playing.

In three short weeks Christmas will be here, and then comes 2011. hoping that 2011 is a better year.

Lil' G is in love with soft blankets, she got a new one today and has been carrying it every where. I got me a new soft blanket for my early Christmas gift, and Lil' G stole it. So today I went and got her a little mermaid one. and its been everywhere today with her. Its so cute how she still loves Little mermaid and Dora. Lil' G will go from one charotor to another, but them to shes kept since day one.

Hubby has made me feel a little more loved lately. Maybe he has seen what he has, and how it all can be gone in a second.

My birthday is Friday, and next weekend we are planning a small dinner, and get together. I cant wait for good friends to come over, hubby to meet a few new friends. and just have some good old fun.

Last night was just a little crazy in our house. As we had 4 girls, all under the age of 8. Oh boy oh boy, talk about a fun night for Lil' G.She had 3 of her cousins over for a sleep over. They played barbies, dolls, dress up. Then I made them all popcorn, and watched a Christmas movie. Finally around 9pm they all passed out. Then this morning I made them all breakfast, and they had fun doing each others hair. It was a nice little sleep over for Lil' G and her cousins. Something that we need to do more often. I think that Santa  is going to get Lil' G her own sleeping bag, for nights like last night.

Lil' G has learned how to play go fish, and slap jack. So all weekend and all week we have been playing cards. I think its time for Lil' G to learn some other kid card games. Oh Monday can not come fast enough. Lil' G gets to go back to school. Oh boy oh how I missed her being in Preschool. I never understood how parents where so happy for there kids to go back to school. But Lil' G loves school, and hates being out for vacation. Gee Christmas is going to be a fun 3 weeks with her home, oh and then we have the summer vacation.

Lil' G is calling for yet another round of Go fish. Have a great night. Im going to enjoy my daughter some more. Which by the way she melts my heart.

Boy was I a fool to think that we where really friends. It all started when Alex( hubby) and Carlos started play football on the same team. They would play football, while I would watch on the side lines like any wife would do. Well Carlos Girlfriend Julie did the same thing. It went on for awhile. Then once I got pg with Lil' G. things changed Julie got pg with Carlos Jr, and we started hanging out, we would have dinner at each others house, Julie and I would scrap book together, Carlos and Alex work together. I always thought that they where friends, and not friends because they work together. Like true friends, not just friends that make you think they are your friend just to keep it all cool. Over the last 5 years, we have go camping, and fishing with them. Somewhere along the lines, the friendship that I thought we had went away. Maybe i was blind and it was never there, maybe Julie and Carlos where our friends because the men work together? I only wonder. I always thought that Lil' G and Carlos Jr, would grow up and be best of friends. They love each other, and love playing together. Despite whats going on with there family's. See Julie has an issue with Alex's drinking, and well i don't blame her. I do to, but she cant keep Alex, and Carlos from drinking. They both are grown men, and if they want to drink they are going to no matter who is around. It was never really that way. Until Julie Divorced her ex many years after thy broke up. She made it all legal about a year or so ago. Just around the same time she went back to work. That is about when it all started going down hill. I want to hang with them like we used to, but once im around them. They make you feel like crap. I have since then wondered if Alex and Carlos no longer worked together, if things would still be the same, or if we would just go our separate ways. I hope that for the kids, that they stay around, Lil' G loves Carlos Aka Car Car, that's what she has always called him. So after thanksgiving my eyes started to open a little more about it all. We had invited them over for dinner. No call no show. I sent Julie a few emails, asking if they where coming. No hard feelings if they did not show. I understand it was kind of last minute but still. Just a yes, or no would have worked. Nothing, not-ta nothing at all. So once again what is one supposed to think?

Last year we went camping again, but this time we got two separate camp sights, and well we where supposed to hang out, and feel like we where camping together. Never happened, what did happen was the Julie, and Carlos had there family at there spot, and Alex and i had our family at ours. Once again, if there was no beer involved would things be different?This year, though there will be no more camping with them. Im just not going to open my heart up, put it on the line, for someone to walk all over it. Its just a waste. Maybe things are not what I thought they where. We shall see with the new year coming up. i feel that its ok for Alex to drink while camping. Its his little break from it all. After all he does work six days a week, to support Lil' G and I. i think that camping is a great time to unwind, and take a break from it all. After all hes not drinking and driving, and im around to take care of Lil' G. Oh and hes not an abusive drunk either. He hardly ever gets drunk. Its more like his beer is our water. I know its weird.

Ive deiced that once this month of fertility medicines are over. Im done trying for baby #2. Its been a long 4 and 1/2 years of trying. Im just blessed to be a mommy to one. Which i know there are so many more that don't even have the one. So As of Jan 2011 I will no longer be taking the medicines to Ovulate, have a period, or have another baby. But instead im going to work on loosing some much needed weight. Then maybe just maybe it will happen all on its own. Im so tired of the way that i feel when im on the medicines. Im so tired of the ups and downs and the war. Im giving up on. Im throwing in the towel. unless for some odd reason this is our month.

12 thanksgivings ago today, It all started. I had just gotten home from my parents house having Thanksgiving dinner with them. My room mate at the time and I had planned another party. We loved to have our party's. She invited her peeps, and i did mine. But this time her boy friend, and his best friend came over. His Best friend turned out to be hubby. I met the love of my life that night. I was not looking for love, I was just looking for someone to share my bed with that night, I said to my self. WOW hes a hottie, hes not going to like me. Well boy oh boy was I wrong. He kept coming back everyday to be with me, and well 12 years later, and 1 miracle we are still together. Oh this Thanksgiving day im thankful for the love of my life and Lil' G. Yes, im in love and married to a drinker, but i don't think i would be able to handle love any othe5r way. We all have our issues, or baggage and well I love him still, and he loves me.

Love is far from easy it's complicated and you get your heart broken all the time and it really does not feel that it's worth it but it's when you don't have it that it really makes you realize that it really is worth it. Always fight as hard as you can!


Something that my dear cousin sent to me. and so true.

another week in rewind

Tuesday. I went and seen yet another Fertility Dr An (RE). Great, and well Dr. Reggis, well she said that im to high risk for her, and sending on to yet, another Re. And this time its up to the new one. If we can even have a chance of another baby. Im high risk from having Lil'. G, all the infections from her birth, my high blood pressure. Which I have been off the med.s for that for over a month, and doing just find, the fact that I had a stroke in my face 12 years ago. So all that along with my weight makes me high risk. Dr Reggis took a ton of blood work on Monday, and will forward that along with the exams, ultrasounds that shes doing in a few weeks to the new Re. We are trying to get a jump start before seeing the new RE. If i where to get pg on my own now, Dr Reggis still would not see me, so its for the better i guess. But i just don't feel that it should be up to a dr to decide if we have another baby. It should be my decision. For the rest of the week, I let Tuesdays appt get to me.

Friday Af showed her ugly face. I thought for sure this was our month. My boobs have been killing me and still do, i want to throw up, smells get to me and all this is still going on. Af came and gone after only 4 short days.

Saturday. I had to take Lil' G to the dr's which she has croup, and a stomach flu. What a fun weekend its been with a sick kid, a husband home from work laid off. Oh boy oh boy, talk about bordom, and driving me nuts.

Monday. Hubby and Lil' G went with me for blood work, to do laundry and ran erronds. Boy oh boy that was yet another fun day. A long one at that.

Today ( tuesday) its been freezing cold here only 29 for the high today. It snowed a drop over night, and left a ton of ice. I had to drive hubby to work. the one day that they call him in its so cold. But oh well. Then after work we got all the stuff for Dinner on Thursday.

Friday 11-26-2010 will be 12 years, since Hubby and I have been together. 12 long years.

Saturday night, i went to St helens, for a naughty ladies party, and drinking. Oh boy was that a fin night. I came home really late at like umm ya 2am, Thinking that the hubby was sound asleep boy was i wrong. he was in bed pissed to hell and back that i came home so late. Gee mr umm paybacks for all the times you did it to me, before Lil' G was born. Umm ya, i was a nice wifey, and rocked his world and mine. I think that the party might of had something to do with it. I had a blast hanging out with the girls, I miss that. I miss girl time so much, since im a mom, and wife i have no life anymore. Well things are going to change around here.

So Sunday morning the hubby had a game to go to, we went and sat in the car while the hubby/daddy played some ball in the mud. Oh boy men, are just like kids. Always getting dirty. :)

We spent the rest of Sunday just laying around and being lazy.

Monday has been a crazy busy day. I had laundry to do many loads of it, get the Lil' G off to school, pay a few bills. all without no stereo in the car, since for some reason i have a puddle of water in my care, on the front passengers side. So hubbys been looking at it today, and think he has it all dried out. Im telling you I miss my music, and most of all the clock.I was late to almost everything, the one day my cell phone is dead. I have to find my car charger and use it more.

Hubby helped me cook dinner tonight. He is a nice guy, just drinks way to much. Then after dinner. I cleaned up the mess, while Lil' G, and daddy made cookies, more like took them out of the package, and placed them on the cookie sheet. First time he has cooked for her.

Things are starting to pick up for my store. Im so busy this week, with school meetings, to store work, and just life. Next week is Thanksgiving, hello just last week we had Halloween. Did you know that Christmas will be here in less than 6 weeks. Wow where has the time gone. Im going to close down the shop early this year, and take a few days off for me, and holiday baking. Lil' G and i have so much planned. I need to get started on her Christmas gifts for family. We are going to make Salt dough ornaments. I wanted to to it last year, but well it got put on hold, and the back burner. Not this year.

Im married to an alcoholic, and the mommy to a wonderful little girl. Shes my world, and is a true miracle Lil' G. My husband has a drinking problem, and enjoys letting his drinking needs come before our needs. We have been together for over ten years, we have been thru some rocky times, and he has always drank. Never once has he taken on the role of being the man and 100% taking care of us. I have always helped him take care of his family. Its time that he starts to be the man, that he needs to be.

Inside me is a mom and wife hurting. I need to feel loved, Im so sick of loving and giving, and not getting anything back. I love my family to the moon and back. they both are my world, but at the same time things need to change. How do i get things to change.