bitch fest Oct 2011

Ever feel like just walking away from it all, never turning back. But to scared, to think you might be screwing up, of you do it. well that how I feel about my marriage more and more lately. Now that hubby is laid off or working only 4 days a week compare to the normal 6. Stressed that once again we might come super close to loosing it all. Cause  he cant save up for when he gets laid off. Since he knows that it happens every year. Last year we where so close to loosing it all. We where homeless, we had 3 days to come up with our rent. thank god that I put on my thinking cap and got it. I was the one that stressed over it for the 3 months that he was laid off, and figured out how to take care of us. I should not have to be that person. He should do it, after all hes the one that works, and is the bread winner here. But nope, hes the one that hoards all his money, and sends it to his family in mexico, making me think that we are dead broke poor. Then I find out he has 2 G, really what the hell. and once again im back to that lets stress about the bills and what not, while he sends more money to his sick mom. Im sorry that shes sick, im sorry that she might die before she meets her grand daughter, im sorry that she has never met her daughter in law, im more sorry that shes dieing and has not seen her son in 14 years. But im not sorry that he needs to take care of his wife, and daughter first. Is that wrong? am I a mean person. UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Only if I could just scream, and that would make it all better. Oh yes, we are broke, and have no money, but you guessed it he has beer money.

Was off all day yesterday. Missed his daughters first assembly for school. Lil' G is student of the month first month of Kindergarten. He choose to stay home rather than go for 30 minutes, then I come home and he goes to the drunk neighbors house to drink with them all night and day long. Leave about 5pm to help his bff get his car from the mechanic, and 3 hours later comes home to bbq dinner gee it takes 3 hours to drop someone off 15 minutes away.

I love my husband, dont get me wrong. But I hate that he leaves me to figure it all out, that Im the one here stressing to the max. Hence the reason why im done trying for another baby. There is now way that we could bring another child into this world right now.

Im trying so hard to get my pmmd, ptsd, and depression all under control,. trying so hard, to deal with my anger and what not. But this stress just makes it all so much harder. I really feel like walking out and closing that door. After 12 years of marriage and 13 years of being together this might be the year that I do it. Im just so scared that I will loose it all forever, that there will be no going back. Im scared to be alone. So Im staying for now. Great. what a thing to teach my daughter.  :(

its been awhile

Where do I start? So much has happened, started, going on. This might be a catch up post. I will share pictures as well :)

Umm where do I start really: Lil G started Kindergarten full day and loves it. I take her to school in the morning, and she rides the buss home. Shes the first stop and loves it so far. We have tried the riding to school on the buss thing, it just does not work for us. she has to wake up earlier, and well its better this way. shes in Kindergarten with her bud her god brother who is 6 weeks younger, they are so close its cute.

Lil G turned FIVE in July oh my. My miracle is in kindergarten and growing up so fast. She will be an only child. Its for the best for my family right now. But god is the ultimate one to make that decisions. If it happens great, but at the same time we are not stopping it from happening. Just not taking all the medinces and what not.

Julie and I have put the past behind us, been doing a ton of talking. I missed the old Julie, and shes back for now. I just hope that it stays this way, and not just a fluke.

We went camping in Sept Labor day weekend. It was just the 3 of us, we had a blast. Lil G and I had some great mommy and me time, while hubby and I had some much needed couples time. I enjoyed our camping trip. Sunday (3rd day there ) Julie and her family and mine all went to the beach together, played in the sand and what not. They invited us back tot here camp site( at another camp ground ) and hubby said no thank you, I found out the next day. I guess that he wanted it just us. how sweet. this was before Julie and I started talking more, and worked things out.

Im enjoying myself being home during the day. Just working on getting all the kinks of having a kid in school all day, and staying home worked out. I have never been one to not work, and just sit around all day. Thank heaven I have Genevieves Place to keep me busy and help with money for bills and what not.

Last night hubby brought me home this hugh desk its like 3 feet by 6 feet, and we have a very small duplex, no room for it. But I really needed it and he knew that. well now its in our home, and almost set up. Then he bought me a flat screen computer monitor. Moving up in the world people.  :) I have my desk for my bow making and what not, and my computer, and its all clean. Nice work area to. Then I can keep the sewing to the kitchen table. I cant wait to use it. Plus its where I can see my family more, and not in the corner of the dining room away from everyone.


In July I was Dx With PTSD and Pmmd, not fun at all. Its been a wild ride, trying to figure it all out, trying to figure out what has caused it, and along with trying so hard to be a better mom and wife. Things have happened that I wish I could take back, I have done things that I should never have done. I know that having the PTSD, has caused me to do them things. I have an amazing husband, that has opened my eyes, and has and is helping me become a better wife, mom and person. More of this later.

Julie was on medinces for mental reasons and went off them when she started working 2 years ago. Since she could notr afford them anymore, well Im thinking thats what happened. they made her change. and now shes trying to go to part time, and start making hair bows like me. Its going to be fun. I cant wait. Im enjoying having the old Julie back. Shes talking to me more now, opening up again. Its truely amazing. I guess her Boyfriend talked to her and opened her eyes as well. She blogged about me the other day and made me cry, It was a happy cry. The kind words that she had said touched my heart. We spent most of yesterday texting back and forth it was nice and fun.

Carrie on the other hand, well shes still drinking, dont have her kids still. Dont see that one happening in the near future. Im at a loss with her. Part of me wants to cut the strings and move on without her friendship. But Then I know how much I mean to her, not sure what to do about that one. I just wish that she would quit drinking and get her kids back.

Hubby still drinks, what a shocker right. Well I think that he always will. Im just so blessed and thankful that he does not abuse me anymore. Its been 10 years since he has hit me. I know you are thinking im old now.

Nope im 33, married for 12 years, and been with the love of my life for 13 years come November. We have a 5 year old and that is my life.

well I better get Lil's g room all cleaned, got some new bins for her toys today. Took out to large bags of toys Monday, and shes been keeping ti pretty clean lately. She has no idea that I took the toys out. I doubt that she will miss them.

I will be back. . . Hopefully sooner than later. Now that I have more time on my hands. Hey maybe I can get back into my farmville game :) Oh boy.

So hurt right now :( I know that I have stopped trying for another baby, Its been 8 months, and I believe that the evil PCOS witch has stuck again, I think that now im having yet another miscarriage. I hate pcos more than anything in the world. I was ok with having an only child, I was OK with my decision. Why god bring another baby into this world, and then take it away as fast as you brought it in? I just dont get it anymore, nor do I understand. I was finally ok with giving up on trying and now to know that we where pg without medicines is another bombshell I cant take.

 

5 years ago today

Was the day you where supposed to be born, the day you where supposed to come out and meet the world,. But you had other plans, you and God wanted to make your special day on July 8th, your daddy's birthday. You and god had plans for you and your daddy to share the special July 8th day. 


I remember when I saw two lines on the pregnancy test, and I couldn't believe it. My arms were shaking, and I took another test. I remember wondering if you'd stick around, almost every day of my pregnancy.
I remember the first time I knew it was you kicking inside me. I remember stressing about how you would come into the world, even though I kept telling myself not to. I remember the blessing your daddy gave me before you were born, and feeling relief. I remember our last fourth of July as just 2 people, and now its almost fourth of July, and we are a family of 3. This year you are getting into the whole holiday thing. Its such an amazing thing to see life thru your eyes. To see 
your smile when you discover new things. 


Its hard to believe still almost Five years later, that we won our battle once with infertily. That you are ours, and will forever brighten our lifes, that we will always and forever love you. 

My dad posted this on his facebook. After Yesterday, was another snap day. He thinks that its all ok, and the life will go on. I dont get it. Its not ok, life needs to change. He needs to see what a monster he has created.

My life is Simple.

At least from where I see it. Every day I Wake Up And Breathe Air. (God willing.)
All I do, is what I believe is the right thing to do at the time.
Sometimes it works out in a good way for everyone involved, sometimes it doesn't.
For the times it does, it brings me great joy and happiness.
For the times it doesn't, I hope that those I care for deeply, will understand.
Sometimes they do, sometimes they don't.
When they do, I am grateful.
When they don't, It may be that they didn't understand both sides of the situation.
Hopefully, someday, somewhere, somehow, they will.
Each day, I strive to be a better human being than the day before.
I am thankful for everything that everyone has done to make to make this a better planet.
I try to do what I can as well, because it gives me a good feeling in my heart.
I go to sleep at night with the ambition of doing it all again tomorrow.

I wish that I could tell my dad, everything that I feel. Everything that is bothering me. But im still that little kid that is affraid of there dad. Im not sure if it was a good idea, to let him on my facebook. Hes my friend now, and whatever i post he will see, But you know what its my life I have the right to say what i want, but at the same time I want to confront him about the abuse, and how I grew up. I want him to get the help that he needs, and I know he wont. I hope that if he knew how bad it was maybe then he would get some help. Im not sure what to think anymore?

Lil'  G will be Five in July. Tonight she wrote daddy's name out all nine letters, I told her to do something, and when I went and checked on her. She has wrote daddy's real name. I was in shock since its so long, and I have only taught her his name a few times. Wow shes so smart.

This weekend we are going camping. I can not wait. It should be fun, and even better. Julie and I talked today about a little of what has been going on. It was more of me going to her house saying im sorry, hugging her and figuring it all out. I have posted a few things on facebook, she seen them, got mad at me, blogged about it all. And I tried to save what was left of our friendship. Im really hoping that they come camping with us this weekend, and that its like it was the first 2 years, and not like how it has been the last 3 years. We shall see if shes all talk, or if today helped some.

WOW Lil' g will be five and start kindergarden I need/want my baby back.

Where do I start. .

Where to start? its been a couple amazing months, some good and some bad.

Seen my tire friend today. He is this guy that would love to be with me, Im not into him at all in that way. But If I would give him one day he would be so happy. Hes been trying to hook up with me since way before hubby. I used to be just friends with him, until he became way to scary. Some how he found out where I worked, and came into my work all the time. Then I stopped working there met hubby, and went to get a tire, and wow he owns the cheap cool tire place. I was like great just what I need. He found out that I was married and still tried. But you know I do truly love hubby. Im faithful to my husband, before my hubby I was a crazy fool. I fooled around way to much, and may have never been faithful to anyone, but not hubby. There is something different about him. :) Back to the tire guy. ( he does have a name ) He asked me if I was still married, since I went and seen him alone. Hubby was at work, just took Lil G to school.  I could have said im unhappy and maybe seen if the grass is greener n the other side. But i guess you get used to just being loved. But I miss other things, I miss dinner dates, walks holding hands, and stuff that hubby just does not do. But I know that he loves me, and Im not sure that the tire guy could or would ever love my like hubby does. Im OK with his drinking maybe im just used to it. Hubby's drinking has became a part of our life, our daily life. Its something im used to, and it would be weird to not have it around, if that makes sense. you get used to things. I mean after 12 1/2 years together I guess im used to it. . . . I may not deserve it but im scared to test the water, scared to see if the grass is really greener on the other side. Im comfortable here.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
~ ~ ~ Jan ~ ~ ~
 WE went on anther field trip with Lil G's preschool class. This time around it was to the Portland Childerns Museum, boy was that a fun filled day. Unlike the last field trip, I got to have Lil G all to my self. The last one was to the pumpkin patch, and I had 2 other kids to take care of. I enjoyed having Lil G all to my self, and being able to have our time.  we had a fun filled day, played did art school, ate lunch with the morning and afternoon class. Lil G's cousin who is a month and 2 days older is in the morning class, so they where able to eat lunch with us, and sometimes play to. It was nice hanging with my sister.

Lil G playing in the water at the Childerns Museum. 

Osmi
We had family night at OSMI took Lil G to OSMi what a fun place as well. Daddy and Lil G had fun playing together. He got into it all like her, it was like watching to four year olds playing. Lil G got to see that the drs really did cut her out of my tummy ( I had a C section with Lil G ) While daddy got to see what all happened, and what he missed out on. He wanted my mom to go into the room with me, while I wanted him. I wish that he would have been there to. Since its something that wont be happening again.Lil G  is and will be an only child. Not by choice, well by medical choice. Its the right thing to do for now. Since the night she was born I came so close to dieing ( another time on that one ) Both Lil G and hubby got to see how the baby grows and grows in the womb, then how they do a C section. really cool stuff.

Lil G and daddy playing at OSMI

~ ~ ~ FEB ~ ~ ~

Valentines day
I got to spend the day at school with Lil G It was so much fun, and joy to watch her day in preschool. It was so cool and a blessing to watch her learn, to play and see her with her little friends. We had a small party at school for Valentines day, ate lunch, played, walked to the park, played some more, It was amazing to see her in action, to see her in her little preschool world. Shes growing up so fast. Knows her abcs, can count to100, Shes starting to read a little here and there and so much more.

Maddie, Stacy and Lil G At school just came in from the park :)

~ ~ ~ March ~ ~ ~

Lil G had her first Spring break about drove mommy nuts, she loves school and her friends. We had a few sleep overs with her friends, and her BFF. Its so cute she has her first BFF Stacey, they kind of look like they could be twins. Lil G  has brown hair, and Stacy has black hair. Its funny my sister was here when Stacy has here, and my sister thought that Stacey was Lil G from the back. Whoops

Lil G and her BFF

Lil G and her BFF 

Lil G and her Cousin sleeping SHHH 

~ ~ ~ April ~ ~ ~

April fools day I got mommy time. WOW that was so fun, I went and spent the day with an old friend from school . We went shopping took Lil G to school, then had some yummy lunch, followed by more shopping. I miss having mommy time, I miss hanging with friends. Something I need to work on doing more. I  just get so busy with life and everything. you really need to stop and take time out for you.


here are two of My favorite pictures of Lil G:

~ ~ ~ May ~ ~ ~
 Lil G will be having her first Tea party in May, Its going to be a blast. I cant wait to get all the stuff for it, and have the party. Its going to be a ton of fun. With her friends, cousins, and little girls all dressed as princess's im hoping that the weather holds up and it stays nice outside.


So May we have our Memorial day weekend camping trip. I think this year will just be us. I doubt the Diaz family will be coming. I think thats just a thing of the past. Since hubby drinks, and some people dont like it. Im sorry buts its our life. It will be a nice little camping trip 4 days at the beach. I scored a really nice site this time around to.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Something I hope to never have to post myself as a mom of a princess. But another mom had to.

Maddie loves big bows. She always wore them. We would be honored if on Wednesday 2/Maddie 23/11, in remembrance of Maddie, you would put a big bow on your daughters. We would also love to get pictures. kellieshsu06@yahoo.com Thanks so much!. . . This story just made me bawl like crazy and I can't imagine what they are going through but I know it's hard..http://kandjstaats.blogspot.com/


here is a link to her blog.
http://kandjstaats.blogspot.com/

PLEASE for Maddie today wear the biggest bow you can. Lets remember this little girl, that was called to heaven after only 4 short months on earth.

Oh julie

Why claim to be my friend, but then talk crap about me and my family behind my back. Why sit there and act as if we are friends, but deep down we are not. What the heck, Im so sick of you and how you talk shit about my husband on your stuff. I know thats who you are talking about. I dont care anymore. Im glade that this summer we will be camping alone with out you. It used to be fun for the first few times. Then the beer became an issue, and you would never talk to me about it like friends do. Now that your working you think that you are better. Ok whatever. Im done feeling like a piece of shit. Im done trying to be your friend, and be nice to you. Im done trying to make something work thats not there. I feel as if we just need to close the door, and look the other way. Call our looses and be cool with it all. My daughter once looked up to you as an aunt, and now. She cant, And i wont let you hurt her. you just cant come and go when ever its cool for you.

feild trip time

Last Tuesday Lil'G  went on another field trip with preschool. I went with her and we had a blast. We went to the childerns museum.

Tonight shes going to OSMI, her preschool is doing a family field trip thing today. pretty cool.

Thursday Carrie came up and took me out to dinner. We had a wonderful time. Along with a really hot waiter. which gave me his #. It made me feel nice and good that another man likes me. It was done for a big tip or something come on now, i was not born yesterday. Then we drove around and got lost, came back home. Hubby, Carrie and i stayed up all nigh drinking, and playing cards while Lil'G slept. Carrie ended up going back home Thursday night/ Friday morning. Only to come back to my house on Friday.

Friday night was Harmoni's 4th birthday party. KC, ( Carries Sister ), Carrie and I stayed up all night talking and chilling while the men sat out side in kc hubby's car drinking and watching tv in the car. Somethings that men do WOW. Harmoni, and Lil'G tried to have a sleep over. But come on now really 2 four  year olds not play in bed and play. So that did not go to well. Carrie and us came back home to our house after getting some late night food. we ended up playing cards and drinking some more. What a fun life its been the last few nights. Friday night Carrie stayed the night with us. Thank heaven because it was late.

So Saturday we ended up all going down to carries house. Which is about an hour south of our home. We ended up staying the night with her and coming back Sunday. Hubby had yet another soccer came, so we left from carries to the game. Then home. What a fun few days its been.

So Tuesday we are leaving again for a few days. We will be going and staying with Carrie. It will be fun. We are going to let Lil'G, miss 1 day of school. But she  will have fun. shes going to do some fun things with Carrie, mommy, daddy. We will be gone for about 4 days. Oh how nice it will to get away again.



Poor Lil'G shes been sleeping thru all the fun.

How can I. . .

Trust you?
you have never been there for me, and you wonder why we have the relationship we do. you say that I make you feel that way. your the mom here not me. You say that i make you feel that we dont talk enough, its a two way street.

Jan 8th.

Today would have been my grandmas birthday. She was called away to heaven on May 13th 2006. I watched her take her last breath, im thankful that she knew all about Lil'G and her arrival the following July. She knew that I was finally Pregnant, im blessed to say that before my grandmas passed away she knew i finally was going to be a mom, and that she seen the ultrasound pictures of Lil'G.

Today is also Lil'G's half birthday. Shes half a year older, shes officially 4 1/2 today. So Lil'G and I are making a cake, and we will frost and decorate it later tonight. Then eat our cake. Lil'G wont have a party, or anything like that today, just a cake. Maybe next year, when shes older and can understand it more then we will do half party thing.

Its been awhile, and well Ive got to get things off my chest.

You have not talked to your own daughter in a week, and all you can offer her is a whole 9 minutes, WOW how that just blows my mind. What a great mom I have, all she could spare me was a whole 9 minutes today on the phone. I dont know why I even try anymore with her. Oh and get this she thinks that she can just buy something, use for however long that she wants/needs to, and then return it back to the store for a full refund. No wonder why my mom and I dont agree, or get along.

The lovely husband has spent all our bill money, and now im stuck to figuring out how we are going to make it. Im so stressed, i dont think i have been this stressed ever. Why am I the only one that can figure things out? WE barely got jan's rent paid, and have nothing for the bills, and feb. rent. No clue when and if he will be going back to work. Hello sweetheart you have been laid off since Dec. dont you think you need to figure the bills out. nope leave it to me once again. Why oh why do I stay around.  And to add to it all, the dumb ass, did not even have any money to get Lil'G anything for Christmas. I got all her Christmas done, and just like I do every year, chirstmas, birthdays, Easter, all of it. I just want to wake up one day and have the husband take care of Lil'G and I 100%. I wonder if it will ever happen. He has to stop letting his drinking take over our money. I have not worked in 3 years, and i still have to help him with the bills, and he brings home enough money to make it. So I have told him enough is enough, Come march 1st i wont be helping him anymore, and well we shall see what happens with that one. I chose March 1st, because by then he should be back to work. Im hoping and praying hes back to work by the end of this month.

Im so tired of struggling, and living like we are dead poor. He brings home enough money to take care of Lil'G and I. He just has to learn that buying beer can only happen, after the bills are paid, and not before.

Got to love Mondays right? WRONG

I was running late to start with. I hate Mondays, and hate having busy ones after such a long break. I was in the shower, when she lost the hamster. Then i was doing her hair, and she told me she was playing hide and seek with the hamster. I was like just peachy. Had hubby tear her room apart and found the hamster. Just to rush to her dentist appt. and it was only 15 min. long. I was like really are you freaking kidding me a whole 15 minutes. Well she has no cavities and all is well. Now to get this headache to go away, and take her to preschool soon.


 now time for hubby to take the starter out of my car and put the old back in. Since the new one is not working. Oh how  much I love my life right now. Xmas eve the starter went out on my car, and my dad bought us a new one. Thank you daddy for saving my car. Then its taken hubby a week to get the old one out. Its really old, and the bolts had to of been glued to the car. It was crammed space to. SO he  finally just starts taking stuff apart on the car, just to get to the starter, and gets the new one in, only to find out the new one is not new at all. And its been in the high 20's and low 30's here, poor hubby has to be sick of my car by now. 

So the other night Lil' G had to put all her baby's to bed, She got a bunk-bed, and a bassinet for her dolls from Santa. So Christmas night we had to tuck all the baby's into beds. Heres a picture of all the baby's in there new beds.  i should have got one of Lil'G in her bed, next to the baby's to. I will have to post one of that next.