Last night was just a little crazy in our house. As we had 4 girls, all under the age of 8. Oh boy oh boy, talk about a fun night for Lil' G.She had 3 of her cousins over for a sleep over. They played barbies, dolls, dress up. Then I made them all popcorn, and watched a Christmas movie. Finally around 9pm they all passed out. Then this morning I made them all breakfast, and they had fun doing each others hair. It was a nice little sleep over for Lil' G and her cousins. Something that we need to do more often. I think that Santa  is going to get Lil' G her own sleeping bag, for nights like last night.

Lil' G has learned how to play go fish, and slap jack. So all weekend and all week we have been playing cards. I think its time for Lil' G to learn some other kid card games. Oh Monday can not come fast enough. Lil' G gets to go back to school. Oh boy oh how I missed her being in Preschool. I never understood how parents where so happy for there kids to go back to school. But Lil' G loves school, and hates being out for vacation. Gee Christmas is going to be a fun 3 weeks with her home, oh and then we have the summer vacation.

Lil' G is calling for yet another round of Go fish. Have a great night. Im going to enjoy my daughter some more. Which by the way she melts my heart.

Boy was I a fool to think that we where really friends. It all started when Alex( hubby) and Carlos started play football on the same team. They would play football, while I would watch on the side lines like any wife would do. Well Carlos Girlfriend Julie did the same thing. It went on for awhile. Then once I got pg with Lil' G. things changed Julie got pg with Carlos Jr, and we started hanging out, we would have dinner at each others house, Julie and I would scrap book together, Carlos and Alex work together. I always thought that they where friends, and not friends because they work together. Like true friends, not just friends that make you think they are your friend just to keep it all cool. Over the last 5 years, we have go camping, and fishing with them. Somewhere along the lines, the friendship that I thought we had went away. Maybe i was blind and it was never there, maybe Julie and Carlos where our friends because the men work together? I only wonder. I always thought that Lil' G and Carlos Jr, would grow up and be best of friends. They love each other, and love playing together. Despite whats going on with there family's. See Julie has an issue with Alex's drinking, and well i don't blame her. I do to, but she cant keep Alex, and Carlos from drinking. They both are grown men, and if they want to drink they are going to no matter who is around. It was never really that way. Until Julie Divorced her ex many years after thy broke up. She made it all legal about a year or so ago. Just around the same time she went back to work. That is about when it all started going down hill. I want to hang with them like we used to, but once im around them. They make you feel like crap. I have since then wondered if Alex and Carlos no longer worked together, if things would still be the same, or if we would just go our separate ways. I hope that for the kids, that they stay around, Lil' G loves Carlos Aka Car Car, that's what she has always called him. So after thanksgiving my eyes started to open a little more about it all. We had invited them over for dinner. No call no show. I sent Julie a few emails, asking if they where coming. No hard feelings if they did not show. I understand it was kind of last minute but still. Just a yes, or no would have worked. Nothing, not-ta nothing at all. So once again what is one supposed to think?

Last year we went camping again, but this time we got two separate camp sights, and well we where supposed to hang out, and feel like we where camping together. Never happened, what did happen was the Julie, and Carlos had there family at there spot, and Alex and i had our family at ours. Once again, if there was no beer involved would things be different?This year, though there will be no more camping with them. Im just not going to open my heart up, put it on the line, for someone to walk all over it. Its just a waste. Maybe things are not what I thought they where. We shall see with the new year coming up. i feel that its ok for Alex to drink while camping. Its his little break from it all. After all he does work six days a week, to support Lil' G and I. i think that camping is a great time to unwind, and take a break from it all. After all hes not drinking and driving, and im around to take care of Lil' G. Oh and hes not an abusive drunk either. He hardly ever gets drunk. Its more like his beer is our water. I know its weird.

Ive deiced that once this month of fertility medicines are over. Im done trying for baby #2. Its been a long 4 and 1/2 years of trying. Im just blessed to be a mommy to one. Which i know there are so many more that don't even have the one. So As of Jan 2011 I will no longer be taking the medicines to Ovulate, have a period, or have another baby. But instead im going to work on loosing some much needed weight. Then maybe just maybe it will happen all on its own. Im so tired of the way that i feel when im on the medicines. Im so tired of the ups and downs and the war. Im giving up on. Im throwing in the towel. unless for some odd reason this is our month.

12 thanksgivings ago today, It all started. I had just gotten home from my parents house having Thanksgiving dinner with them. My room mate at the time and I had planned another party. We loved to have our party's. She invited her peeps, and i did mine. But this time her boy friend, and his best friend came over. His Best friend turned out to be hubby. I met the love of my life that night. I was not looking for love, I was just looking for someone to share my bed with that night, I said to my self. WOW hes a hottie, hes not going to like me. Well boy oh boy was I wrong. He kept coming back everyday to be with me, and well 12 years later, and 1 miracle we are still together. Oh this Thanksgiving day im thankful for the love of my life and Lil' G. Yes, im in love and married to a drinker, but i don't think i would be able to handle love any othe5r way. We all have our issues, or baggage and well I love him still, and he loves me.

Love is far from easy it's complicated and you get your heart broken all the time and it really does not feel that it's worth it but it's when you don't have it that it really makes you realize that it really is worth it. Always fight as hard as you can!


Something that my dear cousin sent to me. and so true.

another week in rewind

Tuesday. I went and seen yet another Fertility Dr An (RE). Great, and well Dr. Reggis, well she said that im to high risk for her, and sending on to yet, another Re. And this time its up to the new one. If we can even have a chance of another baby. Im high risk from having Lil'. G, all the infections from her birth, my high blood pressure. Which I have been off the med.s for that for over a month, and doing just find, the fact that I had a stroke in my face 12 years ago. So all that along with my weight makes me high risk. Dr Reggis took a ton of blood work on Monday, and will forward that along with the exams, ultrasounds that shes doing in a few weeks to the new Re. We are trying to get a jump start before seeing the new RE. If i where to get pg on my own now, Dr Reggis still would not see me, so its for the better i guess. But i just don't feel that it should be up to a dr to decide if we have another baby. It should be my decision. For the rest of the week, I let Tuesdays appt get to me.

Friday Af showed her ugly face. I thought for sure this was our month. My boobs have been killing me and still do, i want to throw up, smells get to me and all this is still going on. Af came and gone after only 4 short days.

Saturday. I had to take Lil' G to the dr's which she has croup, and a stomach flu. What a fun weekend its been with a sick kid, a husband home from work laid off. Oh boy oh boy, talk about bordom, and driving me nuts.

Monday. Hubby and Lil' G went with me for blood work, to do laundry and ran erronds. Boy oh boy that was yet another fun day. A long one at that.

Today ( tuesday) its been freezing cold here only 29 for the high today. It snowed a drop over night, and left a ton of ice. I had to drive hubby to work. the one day that they call him in its so cold. But oh well. Then after work we got all the stuff for Dinner on Thursday.

Friday 11-26-2010 will be 12 years, since Hubby and I have been together. 12 long years.

Saturday night, i went to St helens, for a naughty ladies party, and drinking. Oh boy was that a fin night. I came home really late at like umm ya 2am, Thinking that the hubby was sound asleep boy was i wrong. he was in bed pissed to hell and back that i came home so late. Gee mr umm paybacks for all the times you did it to me, before Lil' G was born. Umm ya, i was a nice wifey, and rocked his world and mine. I think that the party might of had something to do with it. I had a blast hanging out with the girls, I miss that. I miss girl time so much, since im a mom, and wife i have no life anymore. Well things are going to change around here.

So Sunday morning the hubby had a game to go to, we went and sat in the car while the hubby/daddy played some ball in the mud. Oh boy men, are just like kids. Always getting dirty. :)

We spent the rest of Sunday just laying around and being lazy.

Monday has been a crazy busy day. I had laundry to do many loads of it, get the Lil' G off to school, pay a few bills. all without no stereo in the car, since for some reason i have a puddle of water in my care, on the front passengers side. So hubbys been looking at it today, and think he has it all dried out. Im telling you I miss my music, and most of all the clock.I was late to almost everything, the one day my cell phone is dead. I have to find my car charger and use it more.

Hubby helped me cook dinner tonight. He is a nice guy, just drinks way to much. Then after dinner. I cleaned up the mess, while Lil' G, and daddy made cookies, more like took them out of the package, and placed them on the cookie sheet. First time he has cooked for her.

Things are starting to pick up for my store. Im so busy this week, with school meetings, to store work, and just life. Next week is Thanksgiving, hello just last week we had Halloween. Did you know that Christmas will be here in less than 6 weeks. Wow where has the time gone. Im going to close down the shop early this year, and take a few days off for me, and holiday baking. Lil' G and i have so much planned. I need to get started on her Christmas gifts for family. We are going to make Salt dough ornaments. I wanted to to it last year, but well it got put on hold, and the back burner. Not this year.

Im married to an alcoholic, and the mommy to a wonderful little girl. Shes my world, and is a true miracle Lil' G. My husband has a drinking problem, and enjoys letting his drinking needs come before our needs. We have been together for over ten years, we have been thru some rocky times, and he has always drank. Never once has he taken on the role of being the man and 100% taking care of us. I have always helped him take care of his family. Its time that he starts to be the man, that he needs to be.

Inside me is a mom and wife hurting. I need to feel loved, Im so sick of loving and giving, and not getting anything back. I love my family to the moon and back. they both are my world, but at the same time things need to change. How do i get things to change.