Ever feel like just walking away from it all, never turning back. But to scared, to think you might be screwing up, of you do it. well that how I feel about my marriage more and more lately. Now that hubby is laid off or working only 4 days a week compare to the normal 6. Stressed that once again we might come super close to loosing it all. Cause he cant save up for when he gets laid off. Since he knows that it happens every year. Last year we where so close to loosing it all. We where homeless, we had 3 days to come up with our rent. thank god that I put on my thinking cap and got it. I was the one that stressed over it for the 3 months that he was laid off, and figured out how to take care of us. I should not have to be that person. He should do it, after all hes the one that works, and is the bread winner here. But nope, hes the one that hoards all his money, and sends it to his family in mexico, making me think that we are dead broke poor. Then I find out he has 2 G, really what the hell. and once again im back to that lets stress about the bills and what not, while he sends more money to his sick mom. Im sorry that shes sick, im sorry that she might die before she meets her grand daughter, im sorry that she has never met her daughter in law, im more sorry that shes dieing and has not seen her son in 14 years. But im not sorry that he needs to take care of his wife, and daughter first. Is that wrong? am I a mean person. UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Only if I could just scream, and that would make it all better. Oh yes, we are broke, and have no money, but you guessed it he has beer money.
Was off all day yesterday. Missed his daughters first assembly for school. Lil' G is student of the month first month of Kindergarten. He choose to stay home rather than go for 30 minutes, then I come home and he goes to the drunk neighbors house to drink with them all night and day long. Leave about 5pm to help his bff get his car from the mechanic, and 3 hours later comes home to bbq dinner gee it takes 3 hours to drop someone off 15 minutes away.
I love my husband, dont get me wrong. But I hate that he leaves me to figure it all out, that Im the one here stressing to the max. Hence the reason why im done trying for another baby. There is now way that we could bring another child into this world right now.
Im trying so hard to get my pmmd, ptsd, and depression all under control,. trying so hard, to deal with my anger and what not. But this stress just makes it all so much harder. I really feel like walking out and closing that door. After 12 years of marriage and 13 years of being together this might be the year that I do it. Im just so scared that I will loose it all forever, that there will be no going back. Im scared to be alone. So Im staying for now. Great. what a thing to teach my daughter. :(
